How to be still..... or so I thought!

I had thought that having cancer had taught me to stop! It hit me like a freight train, out of the blue. It did stop me in my tracks. Once I started chemotherapy, I was progressively unable to do the things I used to do. The chemotherapy impacted me physically (as well as emotionally) and I didn't like it.

Through this experience I felt I had learnt how to sit still for the first time in my life. I finally succumbed to the fact I was forced to stop, forced to be still, forced to be present. Mind you, it was a fight to the bitter end! I felt proud of myself (hello ego). Felt I had learned something sacred, something that not everyone had managed to reach yet. It helped me accept with more gratitude the journey I was on.

Interestingly, that was not the case! You readers probably saw this from the start, but I, however, did not see it quite as quick or as clear. Once I began to feel better, I started doing more and this was very exciting, after weeks of being quite sedentary. I felt proud of myself again, thinking I was getting there, I could get back to my life again!

Within a few weeks, I noticed I was heading right back to where I was before my diagnosis. As I booked things into my schedule again, I started to feel a little anxiety grow (being more checked in with my body now). Then the realisation, that having cancer didn't teach me how to be still. It showed me what it felt like to be still! So, it seemed, I hadn't learnt the lesson just yet! (Bugger - more work to do!!)

But I wanted this stillness back. It was lifechanging experiencing this, my nervous system being quiet and my body truly feeling at rest. Since this realisation, I am still seeking the stillness, with a balance of activity as I return to a more functioning version of myself. This is still a juggle, a constant reminder not to repeat the patterns that had been so deeply engrained in my life. I would like to say I am there and have it all worked out, but that isn't the case. What I can say is, that I am slowly getting better at maintaining and seeking times of stillness, the more the better.

I do find meditation and mindfulness has helped me. I am working at listening to my body and noticing when I need some 'me' time, some community or a swim in the ocean.

Have a beautiful day and I hope you find your own version of stillness x